have been finding old pictures,
looking for them in the wake of my grandfather
my parents, like most pictures of our far-west parents,
look happy, beautiful.
pioneering through the 70s on a steady diet of simplicity and scenescapes.
pioneering through, for my mom at least, the overwhelming pain the 80s would bring

i can't stop looking at her face in these pictures--
her young face. (my age!)
her old soul, grey-blue eyes,
knowing more than her size and youth let on

her mouth, not smiling, but looking, smirking,
showing strength and tenderness and resolve
like she had an inkling not all ahead would be sunlight & bikini tops & ski trips with her new husband

now i think of these things sipping coffee
now i try to piece together who i am
and what this means.