prelude: Ash Wednesday

I have apologized more times than one
    have paid my dues to the thistle and the thorn
and many times have I thought,
    this flame is enough!

have faced my own wickedness with something akin to despair
or, 
    infinitely more cowardly, 
        refused to face it

Yet I will fathom the depths of my aggression,
    my heartbreak and longing, my entitlement and greed

        and turn, turn

Turn to You  
Turn into your face, your gaze, your solid chest

Turn to cry, 'Change me!' 
'Leave me not alone!'

O you who pulled me from the pit,
who breathed,
and your breath dispersed my darkness:
    do not forget me
        and do not pass me by!

I recognize (though I hardly understand)
I am ashes and dust

But you come, 
you invite
your warmth, 
your eyes

Lord Jesus Christ, 
    I receive you 
        
into my twisted heart.

viernes santo

He grew up like a sapling before him: who would have thought more of his destiny?

Crucificalo!

(para esos los que no te conozcan)

Mira, mira, el arbol de la cruz, nuestro Salvador

(para los que no han conocido)

y no es mi cultura, este besiendo de tu cruz

todo la gente adorandote en este modo

not cerebral at all, but bodily, tactile

estoy incomoda, pero yo participo

(este no es un momento para abstenerse)

Y esas palabras yo eschucho de mis lecturas de la pascua:

''Remember what I did--remember that I did this for you,

in real time, in real history.''

Pues, yo he recordado

yo lo recuerdo

and, instrument for death inseparable,

I gingerly place my lips on your cross.

currently reading: Henri Nouwen

''Knowing G-d's heart as it has become flesh--a heart of flesh in Jesus--means consistently, radically, and very concretely to announce and reveal that G-d is love and only love, and that every time fear, isolation, or despair begins to invade the human soul, this is not something that comes from G-d. This sounds very simple and maybe even trite, but very few people know they are loved without conditions or limits.''

''Knowing the heart of Jesus and loving him are the same thing. The knowledge of Jesus' heart is a knowledge of the heart. And when we live in the world with that knowledge, we cannot do other than bring healing, reconciliation, new life, and hope wherever we go. The desire to be relevant and successful will gradually disappear, and our only desire will be to say with our whole being to our brothers and sisters of the human race, 'You are loved. There is no reason to be afraid.' ''

''Contemplative prayer deepens in us the knowledge that we are already free, that we have already found a place to dwell, that we already belong to G-d, even though everything and everyone around us keep suggesting the opposite.''

more currently cooking

K. and I recently completed a 21-day detox. Together we quit coffee/caffeine, gluten, sugar, dairy, animal products, processed foods, and alcohol. The first week we ate mostly produce but also got to have olive oil, avocado, and nuts. The second week we added in some fish and tofu, and the final week we got to enjoy a couple of eggs.

All in all I felt great and lost eight pounds (not the reason I was doing it, but not a bad thing either, eh? :) ). The best part, though, was preparing diverse meals together and taking turns cooking with Kia, eating different nutrients every day, and relating to food in a very communal, healthy way. Sharing meals more regularly is something I've long wanted to do more of, and this finally seems to be a year when that is happening. Housesitting at an incredible house this past three weeks has certainly helped--a big long wooden table where we've had I think at least ten shared meals and six dinner parties.

Meyers-Briggs J that I am, I can't resist listing out some of the good food we've been having:

*Grilled salmon, with grilled bok choy and orange-avocado salsa

*Avocado-vanilla smoothie (one avo, one cup pear nectar, one teaspoon vanilla= incredible)

*Red lentil soup

*Baked sweet potato with nutmeg, orange, toasted nuts, and cinnamon for breakfast

*Quinoa with poached egg (yes, I've learned to poach eggs, which preserves the most nutrients), wilted spinach, carrot, cucumber, and chive

*Vegetable-miso soup with chickpeas

*Crispy roasted cauliflower

*Tofu scramble with collard greens and tumeric

*Rice noodles with brocolli-almond pesto

*Toasted coconut muesli

*Baked tilapia with sweet-potato fries

*Spicy black bean salad

*Homemade chickpea burgers

I've been thinking about how the root of responsible is ''response'' (and in Spanish also, responsable y responder)--to fulfill an obligation, to come through, to act on or respond to the information or knowledge you've been given, entrusted with. Not to be indifferent or unresponsive, pretending or living like you never heard.

Looking at my notes from Ash Wednesday at St. Paul's, I've been thinking how our purpose as ambassadors for Christ is the slow sanctification of the whole world, beginning with ourselves. Acting as ambassadors of blessing and joy: to make Jesus famous in the earth. Representing the Way over a cup of coffee or glass of wine.

To add to that, something I was reading in Radix that Eugene Peterson writes, our work as followers of the Way is, ''living as a colony of heaven in the country of death.''

I know colony is a word fraught with problematic paradigms and ugly historical events, but in this case, I think I like it. That connotation it carries of moving in, moving in to stay (not, ''The earth's going to burn up, so fuck it'') , but actually chemically and aesthetically and completely changing a place.

And Heaven meaning Life, Peace, Freedom--to proclaim the green good news that we can be healed and made whole, even in a country of death. And it is not empty positivity or mindless happiness, but it is Jesus, who enters the mess.

Oh, that his story would be stitched into us! That we would respond, and not be left unchanged.

Ash to Ash

We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others as we have been forgiven.

Have mercy on us, Lord.

We have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit.

Have mercy on us, Lord.

We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives,

We confess to you, Lord.

Our self-indulgent appetites and ways, our exploitation of other people,

We confess to you, Lord.

Our anger at our own frustration, and our envy of those more fortunate than ourselves,

We confess to you, Lord.

Accept our repentance, Lord, for the wrongs we have done: for our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to injustice and cruelty,

Accept our repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward our neighbors, and for our prejudice and contempt for those who differ from us,

Accept our repentance, Lord.

For our waste and pollution of your creation, and our lack of concern for those who come after us,

Accept our repentance, Lord.

Restore us, Good Lord, and let your anger depart from us;

Favorably hear us, for your mercy is great.

Accomplish is us the work of your salvation,

that we may show forth your glory in the world.

[Tip # __

You know you might be in trouble when death by bus accident seems a desirable way of getting out of the mess.

ash wednesday

the sun is out (is out, is out, for the first time this february!!)
and Fun is singing
Take your time coming home,
hear the wheels as they roll
let your lungs fill up with smoke
forgive everyone.

so we breathe deep the stale winter air
kayak choppy waters and crave vitamin D
cross our fingers for snow-pack and water,
cross our fingers against drought

then smear ashes on our foreheads
and remember that smoke, dust, drought,

from the dirt we came,
and to dirt we shall return.

wake up, wake up, leave cotton dresses and chickens to the world of dreams
pull on stockings, slip blistered feet into stiletto boots, button pencil skirt

you are Serbia, delegate to UNIFEM, urban-savvy
there are no trees, no holy week, and you are inside, eternally
passing resolutions on violence of a seemingly imaginary nature,
inconceivable in the conference rooms of a 45-story hotel

but pay attention young one, to the little things
pho with new friends, snowflakes in april,
paintings at the MOMA which take your breath away

this is where honest gratitude must be larger than dreams
when night comes, you may meet them again

n.y.c. musings

underground tunnels grind and grate in subway chutes too narrow
can you imagine being stuck here?
deep breaths now, honey

in a world full of people far more important than you or me
it is a little hard to listen (am i going deaf?)
(but then who is important, anyway? a farmer grows our food,
because of first grade teachers, we can read)

to participate in your death, so that i may also participate in your life
even in your, the word is foreign in my mouth, resurrection

oh, but these things are frightening and far!