growing up

Addendum: we were evacuated a few hours after the last post.

But Graduation happened on time, and we celebrated among the ruins of carefully laid plans.

Because there is gratitude even in [our weak] adversity. And because yours truly now holds a Bachelor's of Arts in English. Rejoice!

the jesusita fire

Ten days of tears, and even several instances of the f word, and now graduation really is nearly (nearly) here. Fast and soon and crazy. The Jesusita fire has burned through almost 3,000 acres, and is only 10% contained. 5 of the people coming to see me walk the dais on Saturday will not make it now. My parents drove to Ventura tonight after being evacuated from their hotel and finding every other hotel in Carp and SB booked.

But we will make it, with strong doses of laughter and an increased appreciation for the ridiculous. Because this is how we grow up.

[for elle & t.]

i was in a valley called despair,
feeling more alone than i can say
you, you wouldn't have found me there
you were hardly looking anyway

now the setting sun sinks low
and we head out, solitary

oh, but if i had a thousand wildflowers,
i'd throw them at your feet

mountains of sand will disappear
while you keep on singing here
(and who knows if she'll be around?)

what can be done with dead leaves, you ask?
we'll have to burn them all
tie our cloaks in expectancy for the fire to come this fall

with blackened feet we'll run,
our mouths full of salt
we'll reach the highest heights in june,
pitch tents and watch
wait for flame to be put out.

i miss your hands the most.

i never thought i'd say this,

but somehow fires catch my eye more, now. pray for australia.

bird by bird,

we will make it

Oh sweet, surreal November,
Displaced community, or, as Telford coined,
"Westmont in Exile"
Being with friends, becoming sisters, going home--
it never felt so right

Tea Fire

...All the neighborhood
watched the fire burn from where they stood
as the smoke said,
"We're not half as bad as G-d is good"

"Meditation is old and honorable, so why should I
not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside,
looking into the shining world? Because, properly
attended to, delight, as well as havoc, is suggestion.
Can one be passionate about the just, the ideal, the
sublime, and the holy, and yet commit to no labor
in it's cause? I don't think so.

All summations have a beginning, all effect has a
story, all kindness begins with the sown seed.
Thought buds towards radiance. The gospel of
light is the crossroads of indolence, or action.

Be ignited, or be gone."

- Mary Oliver

long lost brother [over the rhine]

I thought that we'd be
Further along by now
I can't remember how
We stumbled to this place

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

Trouble is I'm so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I've lost it
I need the grace to find what can't be found...

From dust you have come and to dust you will return.


Have mercy on us.

An ancient man feeding frenzied ducks and geese at the pond. Bullying seagulls wrestling hens and drakes. Bobbing pigeon heads and choreographed flight patterns. And I stand still, a pair of eyes.

So many words, so many attempts at stories, at naming what's real. So many words have been pulled from this mouth, drawn out by magic characters and scenes. So many words.

And I want to eat the scroll. I want these words to become meaning and truth.

taken from Rilke's "The Man Watching"

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear without a friend,
I can't love without a sister...

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names...

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded her as if to change her shape.
Winning does not tempt that woman.
This is how she grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.

"A disciple once came to Abba Joseph saying, "Father, according as I am able, I keep my little rule, my litle fast, and my little prayer. And according as I am able I strive to cleanse my mind of all evil thought and my heart of evil intent. Now, what more should I do?" Abba Joseph rose up and stretched out his hands to heaven, and his fingers became like ten lamps of fire. He answered,

"Why not be totally changed to fire?"

"Afterwards Aaron came out front and talked and played some Dylan and the Spider songs, and a few others. He has this mustard seed kind of faith. Like he's constantly second guessing himself- such a small faith, so qualified you'd think it would be invalidated...but it was strong...

I wanted to ask him about being afraid of God and why following Christ is so painful. But then again he talked about how pretty much "life is shit and I have joy and its from this big thing people call God and that's about all I understand." I feel like my life is ringing. I don't know what to make of myself. Nothing perhaps. Aaron was talking about colleges and marriages and kids and how that's good, go live what you need to live, try what you need to try, but ask yourself if that's really what you're looking for and talking about how it all fades, we all die. And I've heard that a million times but never by someone who looks like they're living it. And I've never heard someone advocate singleness so explicitly before.

Shadow am I. There was this one moment where this girl just getting shoved past me and kinda looking panicked and...well, I'd say I put my arm around her but it was kinda just how the push of the crowd went at first. But I don't know...this is gonna sound really weird and cliché, but it felt right to be defending/reassuring someone in that crazy mess, and also just to be with someone in it. It wasn't sexual at all...I give up trying to explain it...but it was very different from the moment later when this girl is dancing on my arm and I'm like "is she hitting on me, does she even realize I'm here, and this is making me feel very uncomfortable but I want that touch." Oi.

I don't know...do you guys ever feel that way...like if someone kissed you on the cheek or touched you, you'd just fall apart and start crying...I don't know...I've had way too many moments like that this semester, though most of the time the touch never comes anyway. And sometimes I feel like my self-control is killing me."


James sent us this message about seeing the same show Trevor and I just saw (only in Oklahoma). We (my roommate Bethany and I) read it and cried. We pulled our other roommate in with us to strum guitar and sing a quiet song, to pray sparse, stuttering prayers. We held each other for a few precious minutes.

What else can we do but go on, but try to see His face? There is nothing else, there is nothing else. And I don't know what to do but to keep going, to cling to these moments like surface gasps of air, like water in a parched land, like something to hold as we drown. We follow, even as we carry each other.

"i have my father's hand
i have my mother's tongue
i look for redemption in everyone

there is all this untouched beauty
the light the dark both running through me
is there still redemption for anyone?

changes come
turn my world around"

The Fire

Most of you have probably heard about the fires sweeping through from Malibu to Mexico. Today several of the fires merged with 100+mph winds. My family in Malibu has been evacuated, and my roommate's family in North San Diego is packing as I write this. They should be ok (ie: the fire would have to go through huge residential areas to reach them), but any prayers that the fire doesn't devastate so many lives are needed.

The weather up here in Santa Barbara has been ashy and smokey- we had crazy gusts this weekend that blew soot and debris over everything (including me, when I was trying to run in the foothills). The power went out several times Saturday night, but the winds have now died down. The light is very odd today, though. Santa Barbara is under evacuation warning, but that is all so far.